Attention all friends, I have moved my blog to Tumblr.
http://charleschenqingneng.tumblr.com/
drop by if you have time ^^
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
A change of Velocity
Those who had frequented this place realise that the music they heard on this page has been altered to a power drumming warsong from the weepful piano solo. aye, it's time for war.
This fight is about what has been accumulated over the past 18 months. what we had been doing in this faculty would be bourght to the test, and it should determine what we will be doing next. It is quite correct that this matter is of great importance, an event to testify of the efforts bourght forth over this period of study for me.
For some, it is a time of great ruse, as for me, maybe a great muse? As usual, many will settle this battle with a trade, which allows one to wonder if this is a trade after all.
For a few, it is a time when new alliances are formed, banding themselves to pool their strength, or to sap their ally of theirs otherwise.
This piece of music, composed for the movie eragon, depicts the battle for Varden, when the revolutionary forces against a tyrant ruler was discovered and an attack from the tyrant followed, it was only deemed a noble cause that the defensive beliigerent would stand upon it and cry for a battle for their brethen, and their world that their stuggled to protect. The begining of the song, worrisome and unwilling to face to shadows cast upon them, and then they continue to find their reason for their fight, the reason for this war, only to find more strength as they carried on, their pace quickened, and their roars mighty, the objective is clear, the dangers must be faced. As all hardships must be paid with a sacrifice to be overcome, the pain, the suffering, seems much to be borne, and the music recedes into an elegant tune of peaceful hum for a few brief moments, as the weary warrior himself aspires his strength of war from the beautiful scene of peace of his family that he can savour for once this is over. He draws his breath, valor burst forth and his steps hastened to end the fight.
The fight is clear, I pray that God will guide my path in this challenge. As for those who gone trhough this test with honesty and effort, I pray that God may grant you merit. In nomine Patrii, et Filli, et Spiritus Sancti, Amen.
This fight is about what has been accumulated over the past 18 months. what we had been doing in this faculty would be bourght to the test, and it should determine what we will be doing next. It is quite correct that this matter is of great importance, an event to testify of the efforts bourght forth over this period of study for me.
For some, it is a time of great ruse, as for me, maybe a great muse? As usual, many will settle this battle with a trade, which allows one to wonder if this is a trade after all.
For a few, it is a time when new alliances are formed, banding themselves to pool their strength, or to sap their ally of theirs otherwise.
This piece of music, composed for the movie eragon, depicts the battle for Varden, when the revolutionary forces against a tyrant ruler was discovered and an attack from the tyrant followed, it was only deemed a noble cause that the defensive beliigerent would stand upon it and cry for a battle for their brethen, and their world that their stuggled to protect. The begining of the song, worrisome and unwilling to face to shadows cast upon them, and then they continue to find their reason for their fight, the reason for this war, only to find more strength as they carried on, their pace quickened, and their roars mighty, the objective is clear, the dangers must be faced. As all hardships must be paid with a sacrifice to be overcome, the pain, the suffering, seems much to be borne, and the music recedes into an elegant tune of peaceful hum for a few brief moments, as the weary warrior himself aspires his strength of war from the beautiful scene of peace of his family that he can savour for once this is over. He draws his breath, valor burst forth and his steps hastened to end the fight.
The fight is clear, I pray that God will guide my path in this challenge. As for those who gone trhough this test with honesty and effort, I pray that God may grant you merit. In nomine Patrii, et Filli, et Spiritus Sancti, Amen.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Stasis
(note: this is a useless piece of mind wandering thought)
It is so comforting that I feel to be at one time, at one place, and at one mood that I could be at ease, and to feel nothing, want nothing, yet needs everything. Or was that even a good feeling at all? I could not tell, there are things I should do, yet I do seem to listen to priority. I long for the days of comfort and calm, to listen to the surrounding music and choose which to tap into. But these days, there has not been a choice, or life is not about making choices, it's about finishing what has been choosen. We all have decisions made for us, or maybe it is ourselfs who laid the choice. Was choice the matter of the instant, and tolerance and preseverence the factor of the outcomes? Which is more important? Choice or preseverance. I suggest that it is the need for a change that comes in as the arbiter of this. Where do I want to go later? Should I be continuing doing this for the time untill sometime later? Will what I do now affect the time later? Will The time later affect what I choose to do now? I kept asking myself all these questions for years, and it feels like madness. Since when I started to ponder like this I do not remember. All these started from the fear of failure I know. The fear has striven me to wander, tempt me to walk into the shadows, hoping that the shade will be able to make a contrast to the light in front, so that I see better. Instead this shade has proven inpenetrable, and those self devised plans which were to laid out only to getr a clear view have me to stumble upon them. I always wait and see what happens. And this will cause me to miss the bus.
Ok! enough junk! Goodnight!
It is so comforting that I feel to be at one time, at one place, and at one mood that I could be at ease, and to feel nothing, want nothing, yet needs everything. Or was that even a good feeling at all? I could not tell, there are things I should do, yet I do seem to listen to priority. I long for the days of comfort and calm, to listen to the surrounding music and choose which to tap into. But these days, there has not been a choice, or life is not about making choices, it's about finishing what has been choosen. We all have decisions made for us, or maybe it is ourselfs who laid the choice. Was choice the matter of the instant, and tolerance and preseverence the factor of the outcomes? Which is more important? Choice or preseverance. I suggest that it is the need for a change that comes in as the arbiter of this. Where do I want to go later? Should I be continuing doing this for the time untill sometime later? Will what I do now affect the time later? Will The time later affect what I choose to do now? I kept asking myself all these questions for years, and it feels like madness. Since when I started to ponder like this I do not remember. All these started from the fear of failure I know. The fear has striven me to wander, tempt me to walk into the shadows, hoping that the shade will be able to make a contrast to the light in front, so that I see better. Instead this shade has proven inpenetrable, and those self devised plans which were to laid out only to getr a clear view have me to stumble upon them. I always wait and see what happens. And this will cause me to miss the bus.
Ok! enough junk! Goodnight!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
0303 November
Yes, 0303 is the time this sentence was made, and it wasn't made in my head before it landed on the keyboard, it was made on the keyboard.
I apologize as these will be the dark thoughts of mine.
The first question would be why in all the place in the world that I was here at this hour? Well, can't really tell, or actually I do know the answer? Or is it just that Idon't want to face it? Phantasm of the forbidden world haunts me at this hour, and should I succumb to it? I might be already knee deep, perhaps waise deep. I can't begin to decide wheter I should wade out of this wetness, or should I plunge into the deepness that will submerge my whole being? The temptations of this hour is great, I could not advance, nor retreat, nor surrender.
I guess any reader would not find these words enjoyable, or even comprehensible. I am here to pour my reflections, and to find a way in this dilema to reduce my burden. I have understood that my burden is placed wrongly at this hour, but it seems that I am unable to put it down at the right place. Sinful I am, and it wasn't the first time that my ankle being wet from setting into this pool of darkness. Yet this darkness seemed so beautiful, and only when I felt the coldness in my bones, I start to wonder if this is worthwhile, it's not worthwhile really, still, I find it hard to resist.
I am shamed, shamed by my own thoughts as I offered so much judging during a time, and being unable to distinguish the poisons of my own mind. It seemed lost.
Seems lost.
A failure that I detest.
Choked in blindness now. I am fazed.
I apologize as these will be the dark thoughts of mine.
The first question would be why in all the place in the world that I was here at this hour? Well, can't really tell, or actually I do know the answer? Or is it just that Idon't want to face it? Phantasm of the forbidden world haunts me at this hour, and should I succumb to it? I might be already knee deep, perhaps waise deep. I can't begin to decide wheter I should wade out of this wetness, or should I plunge into the deepness that will submerge my whole being? The temptations of this hour is great, I could not advance, nor retreat, nor surrender.
I guess any reader would not find these words enjoyable, or even comprehensible. I am here to pour my reflections, and to find a way in this dilema to reduce my burden. I have understood that my burden is placed wrongly at this hour, but it seems that I am unable to put it down at the right place. Sinful I am, and it wasn't the first time that my ankle being wet from setting into this pool of darkness. Yet this darkness seemed so beautiful, and only when I felt the coldness in my bones, I start to wonder if this is worthwhile, it's not worthwhile really, still, I find it hard to resist.
I am shamed, shamed by my own thoughts as I offered so much judging during a time, and being unable to distinguish the poisons of my own mind. It seemed lost.
Seems lost.
A failure that I detest.
Choked in blindness now. I am fazed.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Winter.
Winter?
Is it winter now? I don't rightly know, daylight saving arrives in 2 days, Sunday it is.
It's a Friday and it's snowing, and it looks just like winter. Everyone here wakes up to a snowy morning. Those who stayed though the night might have caught the very moment the first snow flake appeared.
By the windows, I saw a garbage truck with a man working alone on the hydraulic controls, perhaps later he will have to send the collection by himself. There were puddles collected the rooftops and roads. Murky and fluid as they seems, perhaps it's not winter yet.
There has been a set back to my well-being in these days, most probably due to the fluctuating temperatures, or maybe there was viral flith in the air? For one week I was not in pinky and rosy cheeks. There was some coughing last night, and becames sporadic ones today of not many, but harsh coughs.
And thus I skipped classes. eeekkkk ! :P
Thank God that I can enjoy those magnificent songs of praise in quiet today. It is called invigoration if nothing else by listening to those singing. I wish I could be one of them, giving my voice to appease the Lord of every firmament in the universe. The week's clutter of my mind seemed to come to an end as the singing continues. Such clutters was debilating to my focus. Perhaps I can hope for better concentration over this weekend.
The snowing has stopped, maybe the collection of ice crystals on the grass and trees wil be gone tommorow? I seems to long for the beauty of snow and permafrost to set in, yet the greens and flowers seemed so comforting. Everything will have it time I think, there will be time for the land to sleep, and to bustle. Still, my work does not stop. There is so much to be done over the winter, and so much to anticipate when spring arrives. Hopefully, as I always hoped, I have grown over the winter.
Mmm...perhaps there is a lot of empty talk this time. Still, I find the peace from writting these words. Not a lot to share at the moment. Everything seems to go in wonderful cycles, and promises of miracles are often found, here and there, in the tiny parts of this cycle. Perhaps as it goes round and round, it may erect a tower on it's own. Mmm....here is the aprt where one may ccease to read on. There is no need to read on, I have no more to share.
May God grants his abundance on us all, in nomine Patrii, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanctii, Amen.
Is it winter now? I don't rightly know, daylight saving arrives in 2 days, Sunday it is.
It's a Friday and it's snowing, and it looks just like winter. Everyone here wakes up to a snowy morning. Those who stayed though the night might have caught the very moment the first snow flake appeared.
By the windows, I saw a garbage truck with a man working alone on the hydraulic controls, perhaps later he will have to send the collection by himself. There were puddles collected the rooftops and roads. Murky and fluid as they seems, perhaps it's not winter yet.
There has been a set back to my well-being in these days, most probably due to the fluctuating temperatures, or maybe there was viral flith in the air? For one week I was not in pinky and rosy cheeks. There was some coughing last night, and becames sporadic ones today of not many, but harsh coughs.
And thus I skipped classes. eeekkkk ! :P
Thank God that I can enjoy those magnificent songs of praise in quiet today. It is called invigoration if nothing else by listening to those singing. I wish I could be one of them, giving my voice to appease the Lord of every firmament in the universe. The week's clutter of my mind seemed to come to an end as the singing continues. Such clutters was debilating to my focus. Perhaps I can hope for better concentration over this weekend.
The snowing has stopped, maybe the collection of ice crystals on the grass and trees wil be gone tommorow? I seems to long for the beauty of snow and permafrost to set in, yet the greens and flowers seemed so comforting. Everything will have it time I think, there will be time for the land to sleep, and to bustle. Still, my work does not stop. There is so much to be done over the winter, and so much to anticipate when spring arrives. Hopefully, as I always hoped, I have grown over the winter.
Mmm...perhaps there is a lot of empty talk this time. Still, I find the peace from writting these words. Not a lot to share at the moment. Everything seems to go in wonderful cycles, and promises of miracles are often found, here and there, in the tiny parts of this cycle. Perhaps as it goes round and round, it may erect a tower on it's own. Mmm....here is the aprt where one may ccease to read on. There is no need to read on, I have no more to share.
May God grants his abundance on us all, in nomine Patrii, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanctii, Amen.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thank God !--> Mid September 2010
As I searched of the suitable title for this article, I found none. Still, I wish to summarize this blog into 2 words, Thank God.
As the week progressed, fatigue has once again crept over my shoulders.
For the first microbiology class, I successfully smeared my first microscopic slide. Such is a taste of acheivement as all those years of theorectical studies has come to some hands on practice at last. Praise be to Jesus that I may be able to prepare the slide on first attempt.
There is a morning that I purchased my breakfast pizza at the university's kiosk and requested for packaging in a plastic bag. As I lifted the pizza from the counter, the bag bursted and the pizza fell with a splat. For a few seconds, all in my mind was: "there goes my pizza', only to be halted by the cashier's generousity as she packed a fresh pizza, and shoved it to me. I returned the spoilt one with a big thanks. The very same afternoon, I paid a very large note to the supermarket's cashier for things that costs less than 100 roubles(around 10 Ringgit) and the cashier lady was irritated by this act. The reason is that her cache does not have sufficient notes for the change probably is lazy to have my big note fragmented at their office. She seems rather annoyed and I thought my shopping could end without buying anything. Then, 2 Russians who queued up behind me started to question the cashier's attitude and lead to a small quarrel that resulted in the cahsier walking to the market's office to have my bill fragmented. I am not very good at Russian but the conversation goes a bit like this:
Customer 1: Why don't you have small notes?
Cashier: I don't have them, why doens't he(me) have them(small notes)?
Customer 2: What is your problem here? You are supposed to break the note for the change.
Cashier : What's my problem? It's his(me again) problem that he didn't bring any small notes for shopping! Customer 2: That's your responsibility to break the note!
Customer 1: And that's your problem!
Customer 2: And that's your job too!
Cashier : *silence and put a sour face, mumbles and walks to the office*
As the cashier returned to be with my balance, I offered those 2 helpful Russians a big thanks and left the market. I must thank God because I may not have being able to handle such a situation myself due to my limited ability in Russian and the stuborn cashier might simply refuse to have my grocery checked out. Additionally, helpful Russians are few and far in between and I met 2 of them just queing behind me on an evening course to the supermarket.
I hunted for 2 items during the weekend, 1 portable tv, and a food blender(processor). Didn't manage to find the ideal tv but did manage to get the food blender. WIth the food blender I tried it out with mushroom soup, Thank God! TAAASSSTYY!!! muahahahahahaha.........
Well, this week's therapy class wasn't too bad, well, in the sense that bad was being, ermm....I mean, buying a bottle of coke for just 15 roubles and then a second one for just 4 roubles from a faulty machine at the hospital(hospital N.3)? So it's still being bad right? hmmm...
Such a sad thing to ponder upon, as one of my JPA sponsored colleagues in RSMU had to leave Moscow tommorow because the the govrenment has revoked his sponsorship to study aboard to be replaced by studying at a local university for reason unknown. why? Why has this happened? Has there being financial issues in the gocrenment? Has there being biasedness in revoking this offer that was granted? Or was this only a reason given by the subject as he was like many of us displeased with the particularities of life and study in Russia? Whatever it is, such is something I could never understand in my life. Imagine the life here in Moscow, suddenly being changed to nothing, if this happened to me without a substansial reason, I might succumb into madness. Maybe this wasn't a sad thing, but a mad thing. It's not hard to expect, the bn is mad.
Praying is the key, I do know and hope.
0355 +4 GMT Moscow.
As the week progressed, fatigue has once again crept over my shoulders.
For the first microbiology class, I successfully smeared my first microscopic slide. Such is a taste of acheivement as all those years of theorectical studies has come to some hands on practice at last. Praise be to Jesus that I may be able to prepare the slide on first attempt.
There is a morning that I purchased my breakfast pizza at the university's kiosk and requested for packaging in a plastic bag. As I lifted the pizza from the counter, the bag bursted and the pizza fell with a splat. For a few seconds, all in my mind was: "there goes my pizza', only to be halted by the cashier's generousity as she packed a fresh pizza, and shoved it to me. I returned the spoilt one with a big thanks. The very same afternoon, I paid a very large note to the supermarket's cashier for things that costs less than 100 roubles(around 10 Ringgit) and the cashier lady was irritated by this act. The reason is that her cache does not have sufficient notes for the change probably is lazy to have my big note fragmented at their office. She seems rather annoyed and I thought my shopping could end without buying anything. Then, 2 Russians who queued up behind me started to question the cashier's attitude and lead to a small quarrel that resulted in the cahsier walking to the market's office to have my bill fragmented. I am not very good at Russian but the conversation goes a bit like this:
Customer 1: Why don't you have small notes?
Cashier: I don't have them, why doens't he(me) have them(small notes)?
Customer 2: What is your problem here? You are supposed to break the note for the change.
Cashier : What's my problem? It's his(me again) problem that he didn't bring any small notes for shopping! Customer 2: That's your responsibility to break the note!
Customer 1: And that's your problem!
Customer 2: And that's your job too!
Cashier : *silence and put a sour face, mumbles and walks to the office*
As the cashier returned to be with my balance, I offered those 2 helpful Russians a big thanks and left the market. I must thank God because I may not have being able to handle such a situation myself due to my limited ability in Russian and the stuborn cashier might simply refuse to have my grocery checked out. Additionally, helpful Russians are few and far in between and I met 2 of them just queing behind me on an evening course to the supermarket.
I hunted for 2 items during the weekend, 1 portable tv, and a food blender(processor). Didn't manage to find the ideal tv but did manage to get the food blender. WIth the food blender I tried it out with mushroom soup, Thank God! TAAASSSTYY!!! muahahahahahaha.........
Well, this week's therapy class wasn't too bad, well, in the sense that bad was being, ermm....I mean, buying a bottle of coke for just 15 roubles and then a second one for just 4 roubles from a faulty machine at the hospital(hospital N.3)? So it's still being bad right? hmmm...
Such a sad thing to ponder upon, as one of my JPA sponsored colleagues in RSMU had to leave Moscow tommorow because the the govrenment has revoked his sponsorship to study aboard to be replaced by studying at a local university for reason unknown. why? Why has this happened? Has there being financial issues in the gocrenment? Has there being biasedness in revoking this offer that was granted? Or was this only a reason given by the subject as he was like many of us displeased with the particularities of life and study in Russia? Whatever it is, such is something I could never understand in my life. Imagine the life here in Moscow, suddenly being changed to nothing, if this happened to me without a substansial reason, I might succumb into madness. Maybe this wasn't a sad thing, but a mad thing. It's not hard to expect, the bn is mad.
Praying is the key, I do know and hope.
0355 +4 GMT Moscow.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Long pause.
Long pause,
really, it has been long since I last written something online.
Well, thanks to my slacking and all those time spent on online games rather than solid discipline in studying and writting as I grew up in doing, my wirtting was suspended for hmm...how long... quite long, at least 8-10 months.
Then it shall be, I shall continue to write again. This time, it should not only be about my heart's pains, incomprehensible poems and people who had being drilling at my patience as I had always featured in my teenage's MSN blog. Well, maybe I shall continue on incomprehensible poems. :P It does make my blog a pain to read but still, I liked the mysticism in it.
This year be the year that I steped into adulthood, that wasn't so hard. Remembered the day that my friends gathered and followed my suggestion to fiest at a 'discovered' restaurant at Yugo-Zapadnaya, only to find that my birthday coincides on the Easter day, so it's basically a holiday all over Russia and many parts of the world that none of the restaurants are in a mood to work. In the end our (my) rendezvous ended in Red Bridge cafe, a 5 mintues trot from our hostel. Still remembered Nevile, Gary, Sook Ee, 2 Michelles, one being Ho and another being Low, Stevie, Sweet May(missing earlier now corrected the second time) Gabriella for being there for the day. In my life, 8 birthdays are passed without anyone beside me, I am so glad that on that day, so many are with me.
Life is hectic, uncontrolled(if I don't want to control it) in Moscow. Maybe such is the life of the fellowship in medical discipline. Yet, I do find the joys of being in this niche, a niche full of people who tried desperately to keep themselfs in this fellowship, and those who had minimal effort in maintaining their foothold. Such is the interesting trend in this fellowship, as recently not far from my social circles of sixth form life, a 3A 1 B scorer has failed her first year at meds school, and have to settle for pharmacy instead, and despair visited her mum. Such is the vainity of people in this fellowship, as so many folks have come to pursue status, or fame, and money, simply said, to have a fill at their vainity. I believe that to have the hold in this fellowship is to have a heart to serve, rather than to demand, a heart to sacrifice, rather than to trade, and a heart to do God's bidding, rather than to do one's desire's, either it's a personal desire, or the crowd's desire. I have seen so many people pursuing medicine at the demands of parents. I pray for their future. Only God can have a say in how anyone in this field is fairing. This, is my say in the fellowship of medical professions.
Ah...this is the enjoyment I had forgotten for such a long time, it's an excursion for my mind's voice, so it shall be disciplined that I will frequent on this place. Do anticipate my next writing.
It's late, bedtime it is.
really, it has been long since I last written something online.
Well, thanks to my slacking and all those time spent on online games rather than solid discipline in studying and writting as I grew up in doing, my wirtting was suspended for hmm...how long... quite long, at least 8-10 months.
Then it shall be, I shall continue to write again. This time, it should not only be about my heart's pains, incomprehensible poems and people who had being drilling at my patience as I had always featured in my teenage's MSN blog. Well, maybe I shall continue on incomprehensible poems. :P It does make my blog a pain to read but still, I liked the mysticism in it.
This year be the year that I steped into adulthood, that wasn't so hard. Remembered the day that my friends gathered and followed my suggestion to fiest at a 'discovered' restaurant at Yugo-Zapadnaya, only to find that my birthday coincides on the Easter day, so it's basically a holiday all over Russia and many parts of the world that none of the restaurants are in a mood to work. In the end our (my) rendezvous ended in Red Bridge cafe, a 5 mintues trot from our hostel. Still remembered Nevile, Gary, Sook Ee, 2 Michelles, one being Ho and another being Low, Stevie, Sweet May(missing earlier now corrected the second time) Gabriella for being there for the day. In my life, 8 birthdays are passed without anyone beside me, I am so glad that on that day, so many are with me.
Life is hectic, uncontrolled(if I don't want to control it) in Moscow. Maybe such is the life of the fellowship in medical discipline. Yet, I do find the joys of being in this niche, a niche full of people who tried desperately to keep themselfs in this fellowship, and those who had minimal effort in maintaining their foothold. Such is the interesting trend in this fellowship, as recently not far from my social circles of sixth form life, a 3A 1 B scorer has failed her first year at meds school, and have to settle for pharmacy instead, and despair visited her mum. Such is the vainity of people in this fellowship, as so many folks have come to pursue status, or fame, and money, simply said, to have a fill at their vainity. I believe that to have the hold in this fellowship is to have a heart to serve, rather than to demand, a heart to sacrifice, rather than to trade, and a heart to do God's bidding, rather than to do one's desire's, either it's a personal desire, or the crowd's desire. I have seen so many people pursuing medicine at the demands of parents. I pray for their future. Only God can have a say in how anyone in this field is fairing. This, is my say in the fellowship of medical professions.
Ah...this is the enjoyment I had forgotten for such a long time, it's an excursion for my mind's voice, so it shall be disciplined that I will frequent on this place. Do anticipate my next writing.
It's late, bedtime it is.
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